(Photograph courtesy of gleasonmj @ Flickr via Creative Commons License)
It’s been two months and I have less to say (compared to usual).
Those of you who know me personally know that I recently had to quit Youth Ministry at our church. It was an extremely difficult decision that I did not want to make and had not planned on making. There are too many sensitive details about this and too many people I would hurt by talking about it, even here. The summation of it is two things:
* I must obey God when he makes it clear that I need to do something, even when it SEEMS to be in conflict with what he’s built up within me for the last 5 years. I trust him, even if I don’t want to.
* God is making it clear that this time is for growth for my wife and I. The growth I’ve seen in her over the last 2-4 weeks alone has been nothing short of astonishing. The relationships I’ve been able to strengthen within my own family have also been shockingly rewarding. This is the “good thing” that’s happening.
There is still VERY much that I have questions and misunderstandings about but I find myself returning to this place of certain trust. I may not like what’s happened but I know that as long as I follow Him, it will be right. I’ve fought-off depression and realized it’s sourced by Pride…. but it does return.
Frankly, it’s all very confusing. A large chunk of my born-again identity was in Youth Ministry. As I look upon that person who I was and now cannot be – I wonder if that was a mistake.
Concurrent themes during this “season” in my life:
* Identity and purpose. A couple days ago my gifted and brilliant wife told me, “be still…”. She’s right.
* There is a person in my life who is facing death. That person is important to me.
* There is a friend of mine with his wife in the hospital right now – attempting to give birth.
* A young man I love just learned of news that causes him to suffer, due only to the sins of another. I hate it when that happens. A true sign of a broken world. He’s confused and I’m not clear how to help him. He now has to battle bitterness, anger, pain, betrayal and depression… a fight he did not ask for… and try to reconcile that with what it means to be a child of Christ in today’s age… at such a young age himself.
My random bible reading schedule today brought me unusually (?) to Job 37. I read and deeply thought about the chapter and several more but kept coming back to the first few verses of 37:
1 My heart pounds as I think of this.
It trembles within me.
2 Listen carefully to the thunder of God’s voice
as it rolls from his mouth.
3 It rolls across the heavens,
and his lightning flashes in every direction.
I kept thinking…. Lightning Crashes.
A song I haven’t heard in YEARS and completely forgot existed came back to mind. All you children of the 90’s (as was I) will remember Live – “Lightning Crashes” (YouTube Link). If you watch the version with the music video (which is not the one I linked, on purpose)… don’t pay attention to the video. Even the artist himself said that it incorrectly portrays the song. Another hint (not related to the video) – this is NOT a song about reincarnation!Lightning Crashes, a new mother cries Her placenta falls to the floor The angel opens her eyes The confusion sets in before the doctor can even close the door Lightning Crashes, an old mother dies Her intentions fall to the floor The angel closes her eyes The confusion that was hers belongs now, to the baby down the hall
and so I submit:
First there is nothing
Then a large vessel without borders
Water fills the space – cool, pure, the essence of true.
Lightning Crashes and there is Life
a drop of impurity, required that Life may be free
The Water surrounds everywhere but Life focuses the impurity because it’s the thing that is different
in it’s scarcity – impurity is consumed, harvested and grown
The Water is still everywhere and in everything – even the basis of the impurity itself.
Life ignores the water because it is too obvious. It’s everywhere. It was there first.
The impurity confuses – that’s what it does best. It clouds the Water.
Every sense saturated: the ozone, the electricity, the roar, the brilliant light, the taste of pure Water.
It demands attention back to the Water.
For just a moment only pure true is witnessed again – just like in the beginning.
It’s everywhere, it always has been.
Confusion sets in.
To live in the moment of the Crash, my God and not move from there, please!
I know it can’t be. We are all trapped here for a while.
I’m thirsting for your Water my God, we all are.
Bring the rain.
Bring the Lightning.