In October 2009, my wife died. In a hospital bed in the ICU at Good Samaritan Hospital in Lafayette, Colorado surrounded by talented and competent staff, loving family and myself – she died. After putting up a tedious, suffering, torturous 3 week unreal battle against H1N1, Acute Pneumonia and Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome (ARDS) as a complication – she finally rested. The good (?) news was that God gave into my selfish requests and protests and allowed her to stay. He resurrected her right there, in front of all the doctors and nurses and family. She is with me today and walks as a miracle – without oxygen support, without continued complication. She is actually overall in better health condition than she was before the event. This was well outside of medical odds – beyond a 5 sigma event and possibly approaching a 10 when you factor her recovery with her other medical conditions and complications (the data sample in my research is too small though to mathematically conclude this).
During that time, I began writing. I wrote about my experiences with her, with my children and most of all in my battle with God to understand and to seek strength and endurance. My intent at that time was wholly selfish: To disseminate updates about my wife to her throng of loving family and friends, to pick a bone with my spirituality and to vent my emotions in a way that didn’t feel like I was whining to anyone in particular. It turns out that a small multitude of people read these blog-like entries and thought my writing was “ok”. I am told that they found inspiration and strength in the same places that I discovered it. I think and hope that they found spiritual relevance. That they found God’s truth in our family’s suffering spelled out clearly in their own heart’s tongue1. As my motives were clearly selfish and my formal training in language remains WHOLLY broken (I barely graduated High School, did not attend College) – this can only have been the work of God himself. God used me in this way to teach me (and hopefully others) to rely on him for strength and ability… and for everything. That there is power in the Holy Spirit.
Since then – many of this same multitude have come back and asked me for “more writing”. Like the pizza that never arrives in 30 minutes (much less 60 or even 90) – I have promised, but not delivered. I have felt incapable and unworthy. About a week ago God conspired to change my (still) stubborn mind about this… and I setup this blog structure. Today I found a small token of inspiration to begin.
So am I HOT NOW? Am I today’s FRESH insight? No. I picked the Krispy Kreme “hot now” logo as a way of saying – no… I didn’t do this because I want to be worldly popular or my thoughts to be temporary/weak. I want desperately for anything I write here to be only for HIS glory… and in that, those words would be much more than just “hot now”… like today’s most popular blog, youtube video or news headline. I’m not interested in a large following or popularity, I’m just interested in being obedient to God himself. In that, if I am the only person who reads my own randomness, that is just fine with me (and in fact it would make things a lot easier).
I promise you that I will fail to follow the Holy Spirit, but I won’t give up because that failure. I’ll listen to my inspirational wife, to the promptings of the spirit, to God himself. I will come back again and try again. Bare with me and I bid you, come with me along the way. I need your company and your reflection! Please comment on anything, say anything, ask anything. No question is too insulting or too stupid. I love listening, talking and writing. These are a few of my favorite things.
One basic ground rule: This is not an anonymous blog and so I want to avoid any discussion that could hurt anyone or distract them from God’s purpose in their life. I will inevitably end-up talking about the real people in my life and chances are good that I may unintentionally hurt one of them. Please call me out on this, do not allow such things to go unregarded. Please follow the same guidelines in your comments or thoughts as you walk with me. Even if you don’t know the God that I love (and I definitely still want your feedback), please respect this one request.
“Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be after you” Needtobreathe – Garden
(I’ll write a more generic introduction of who I am later!)
1 – “Heart’s Tongue”. A term borrowed from Rev. Dave Ralph, DS of the Colorado District of The Church of the Nazarene as heard just last night (6/26/11) at the annual Colorado General Assembly. I have no idea where Dave got this term, but I REALLY liked it. The context was hearing the Gospel explained in relevant ways that touch the heart of the listener with Truth.